goodbyes

 Last week a friend of mine from college died unexpectedly. Wendy Southwell Briscoe had a quick wit, was an avid fiction reader, loved her family, was an encourager, did her best to cook for her family, knitted scarves for Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes every year, and often did Facebook fundraisers for her sister and her family who are missionaries in Spain.  She leaves behind her husband and a young son. 

Today we received word that Bruce Kimbrell died in a car wreck. He served with my brother-in-law at two different churches. My prayers are going out to his two daughters who have now lost both parents (his first wife died of cancer many years ago) and his recent wife Julie.

I wanted to write beautiful tributes to both of them, but my brain is not processing very much right now. So much hurt for so many people. Lord be their balm of Gilead.

Ending with goodbyes

As 2020 draws to a close tonight, I look back at a year blessed with a new appreciation for my time. It's truly been a blessing to have so much removed from the calendar this year. And these last few weeks have been a time of many goodbyes. While the media and social media has been abuzz the last two days of all this world has lost this year, I couldn't help but reflect and how little of an impact those people had on my life (most of them I had never heard of) and how tremendously others influenced my life and yet will never be mentioned outside of their family and friends circles.

Phyllis Gilland (back row on the left). Growing up I knew her as Angela, Tina and Sharon's Mom. She had the soft, southern drawl with a voice that could be both loud and pleasant at the same time. I seldom saw here without a smile. Even when it was the worst of summer with Alabama's heat at its worse, she would climb off the lawn mower, come speak, and apologize for not looking her best. She lived her faith and preached as  much through her actions as she did her words. We lost her to Covid in June.

Angela Gilland Edwards (center front). Slightly older than my older sister, Angela was loud and fun, and yet so good and calm with children. There's a picture of all the great-grandchildren and grandchildren with my grandparents one get-together, and Angela is down front with my littler sister (who was Sharon's age) instead of with the big kids in the back. What that picture doesn't tell is that for some reason my little sister was crying and didn't want to join the group. She agreed to sit by Angela. She was an incredible cook, had an amazing singing voice, and had many struggles and the last two years of her life had faced some very difficult hardships. Angela died in a car wreck in October, on her way to sign papers for her new house.

Pansy Murray - John Murray was the Christian Service Director at the Bible College I attended,(all students were required to perform 30  minutes to 2 hrs of community service each week) and it was not uncommon to see his wife Pansy in the office. Like my cousin Phyllis, she always seemed to sport a smile and had a quiet way about her. Former missionaries to France, they continued to live out their faith in Nashville. After she died of covid in October, Mr. Murray posted this in her obituary: “I have been privileged with a wonderful wife who has followed me in the ministry of the Word of God. Pansy has been a constant encouragement and a source of strength as God has led us around the world. She was one of the most sacrificial and giving people I have ever met. You do not walk together for as long as we have been together without missing your soulmate. Pansy has certainly been that—a worthy helpmate and partner. Thank you to all who have been incredibly supportive and have provided so much for us during this difficult journey.”
I don't think you can earn much higher praise.

Leroy Forlines, my theology teacher at Free Will Baptist Bible College (now Welch College), died right before Christmas from cancer.  He lived out the reality that humility does not equal weakness, that honesty matters, people are important and it is our job as Christians to help the hurting, and that clean fun is possible. So many stories I could tell here. He impacted the lives of so many. He died of cancer within a few weeks of his diagnosis, right before Christmas.

Mrs. Thigpen was called out of retirement my sophomore year of college when a professor abruptly quit one month into the semester. She became my Interpretive Speech teacher, and I learned SO much under her teaching. And yes, I learned more than just speech lessons. That was a very difficult year for me, both physically and emotionally, and I didn't appreciate everything I learned under her until years later. She died of Covid this week, and her husband (who I only knew from a distance and by reputation) died today from the same disease. Classmates who were ahead of me (they retired as President of the college the year before I started) commented that it was fitting they both entered heaven the same week as they were truly a team. A truly sweet soul.

Rev. Dennis  Haygood - An Alabama FWB pastor, I more knew his name from attending meetings and association meetings with Dad, but I attended college with his daughter Lisa. This family has been through so much the last few years and we were all heartbroken to learn he was in the hospital with Covid while the rest of his family was sick at home. Lisa posted yesterday that after a month of suffering in the hospital, he was with Jesus. Not the outcome we had prayed for, but he has received the ultimate healing.

I pray that when my time on earth is over, that my life will have made as much an impact on others as they had on me. May I reflect Jesus as much as they did.

Aunt Pat's fudge

Growing up, my Aunt Pat always brought two things to Thanksgiving and Christmas meals: a ham and 2 things of fudge - one with nuts and one without. I'm sure she brought other things as well, but those two things were on my favorites list so those stand out in my mind. Her death my second year in China left me reeling. I've made half-hearted attempts at fudge over the years using various recipes, some semi-successful, some abysmal failures. Years ago I mentioned to Mom how much I missed her fudge at the holidays, and she informed that Aunt Pat's recipe was the one on the back of the marshmallow creme jar.

So tonight I tried it. It set. I don't remember it being this sweet, but it is good. 

I'm sure I will eat way more of it than I should, but more than anything I am thankful for the impact she had on my life. For sharing a children's book on the trinity when I had questions, for the memories of her smile, her hugs, the words of affirmation and encouragement, for teaching me that gifts were about the person receiving them, that servanthood was a privilege and an act of love.  And as I enjoy every bite, I'll pray for my cousins who miss her way more than I do and feel her absence keenly. 

Holidays are good, but they can also be hard.

Angela

March 03, 1969 - October 06, 2020

Tomorrow my family will gather once again to grieve together. The end of July they gathered to celebrate the life of Angela's mother Phyllis, a breast cancer survivor who died of Covid-19. Tomorrow they will remember the life of Angela.

It's strange to look  her age and date of birth. Growing up, I always thought of her as one of the older cousins, one who could reprimand or assist as needed. At family gatherings growing up she was always with her sister Tina and her cousin Ron, and I was never that close to her. But I do remember there was always laughter whenever she was around.

With Dad's job as a pastor and White family gatherings on Sundays, we were seldom able to be with the family except for holidays. As I moved away from home and life moved on for everyone, there were many times when family gatherings seemed awkward for me. Angela was one of the ones who always made them easier.

The last several years we've connected on Facebook quite a bit. We shared a love for gardening and cooking and canning, though her tastes were a bit spicier than mine. I am truly going to miss all the videos and recipes and photos coming through my feed 2-3 times a week.

I grieve for her husband of less than a year, and I cannot imagine what he is experiencing right now. They were supposed to sign the papers for their new house on Tuesday when she died in a car wreck.

I hurt for her children and grandchildren, and cannot fathom the roller coaster of emotions they are experiencing. 

I hurt for her sisters, who have stood by her thick and thin, praying, encouraging, rebuking, helping, laughing, loving. 

I hurt for her Dad Larry, my cousin whom I've always viewed as an uncle, a Vietnam Vet, who has now lost a grandchild, a wife, and his oldest daughter. 

So many thoughts and memories and questions are rolling through my brain. Today I have few answers.

Today I yearn and pray for my family. I pray for that peace that passes understanding. That in the midst of all the anguish and hurt that they will feel held by God. That with all the questions and doubts they can rest in the unknowing. That in all the anger God will prod all of us to do more, to be more.

While today we both celebrate and mourn a life, the reality is her impact will be with us always. Angela will forever be imbedded in our minds. Today we greatly are slapped with the reality of sin and its toil on all of creation. And I yearn for the healing that only God can give.

another musical throwback

This song was often played at funerals when I was growing up, and I was never overly fond of it as a child. It had some really high points, which meant I was unable to sing part of it. Now that I'm older, it has a lot more meaning to me. And after this week, knowing how much my family was hurting not being able to be with their wife/mother/grandmother while she was so sick and hurting, it had an extra special meaning.

I Won’t Have to Cross Jordan Alone

Daniel O'Donnell

When I come to the river at the ending of day
When the last winds of sorrow have blown
There'll be somebody waiting to show me the way
I won't have to cross Jordan alone.

Often times I'm weary and troubled and sad
When it seems that my friends have all flown
There is one thought that cheers me and makes my heart glad
I won't have to cross Jordan alone

Though the billows of trouble and sorrow may sweep
Christ the Savior will care for his own
Till the end of my journey my soul he will keep
And I won't have to cross Jordan alone

Refrain:

I won't have to cross Jordan alone
Jesus died all my sins to atone
In the darkness I see
He'll be waiting for me
I won't have to cross Jordan alone.

Below:
Phyllis Gilland and her granddaughter Gracie, who died a few years ago in an ATV accident. More than one person has commented and thought about them being reunited in heaven. Gracie's Mom, Phyllis' youngest daughter, posted this on her Facebook page last night. May God surround Sharon with peace and comfort as her loss this side of heaven seems great.

When I come to the river at the ending of day
When the last winds of sorrow have blown
There'll be somebody waiting to show me the way
I won't have to cross Jordan alone

I won't have to cross Jordan alone
Jesus died all my sins to atone
In the darkness I see
He'll be waiting for me
I won't have to cross Jordan alone

Often times I'm weary and troubled and sad
When it seems that my friends have all flown
There is one thought that cheers me and makes my heart glad
I won't have to cross Jordan alone

I won't have to cross Jordan alone
Jesus died all my sins to atone
In the darkness I see
He'll be waiting for me
I won't have to cross Jordan alone

Though the billows of trouble and sorrow may sweep
Christ the Savior will care for his own
Till the end of my journey my soul he will keep
And I won't have to cross Jordan alone

I won't have to cross Jordan alone
Jesus died all my sins to atone
In the darkness I see
He'll be waiting for me
I won't have to cross Jordan alone

by Thomas Ramsey.

Bobby's close friend "Hank" (Henry Lauver) died today. I stopped to drop off some paperwork and discovered he was on oxygen and morphine (as of 7 this morning). I went to Target to get supplies for the nurse, stopped at his church to let the Pastor know they were predicting 24-36 hours, and came back to find him gone. I hate that none of his friends or family where with him, but he did have his wish to die at home, and his favorite nurse from Transitions was on duty today. We are shifting gears to deal with what we need to do and trying to figure out where to go from there. I assume we'll know more after tomorrow and should have an answer from his daughters tomorrow about their arrival as well. It bothers me a lot that he was alone at the end, but I also know that is probably the case for many widows and elderly people. I'll post more when I can process my thoughts.

nearing the finish line

This year is ending as quickly as it began. Elections are over, first of three quilt presentations this month is over, and the kids Christmas play at church is rolling almost faster than I can keep up with.

This week has also been a major change in Bobby's friend Hank. Today the hospice nurse told us we were looking at days to a few weeks. He's said all his good-byes, and has been very fearful this week that God has not forgiven him for his sins. This afternoon we chatted, and Bobby read several of his favorite passages of Scripture to him. I asked him to read a passage (Psalm 130) that my sis-in-law had posted on FB this morning and Hank surprised us by asking Bobby to read the last two verses of Jude. We both looked at each other, surprised. But we did, and I couldn't help but think what awesome promises to cling to in times of doubt.

 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. (Jude 24 and 25)

to present us faultless...one of the things I hate about my job on election day is evaluating the job people do. I try to be honest but objective.  No one is above making mistakes, especially during an insanely long day, nor being a bit rude, especially when dealing with rude, impatient, or ignorant people. And yet, I find comfort in knowing that no matter what happens around me, no matter if I mess up in explaining a situation to a person who really does not care to know, or show unkindness when dealing with a crazy situation, when I stand before my Judge, I will be presented as faultless because of my Savior. It doesn't make sense. And that is why God deserves glory and majesty and the power for all of eternity - because He can handle it, and He is merciful to us humans who, while created in His image, can't handle it.

My heart's desire tonight is that my mind will recall Scripture like Hank's, (he can't remember basic words or articulate simple requests, but is remembering parts of the Bible!) in times of need, that Hank will continue to be mostly pain free, and his time to rejoice in the presence of God will come quickly. He seemed disappointed when he asked if he was about to die and I told him probably not today. He needs rest, in every level and meaning of the word.

ripple effects

This year has thankfully been one of relative calm for the two of us, but we have had a multitude of friends and family going through some extremely trying and difficult days. This morning while taking our neighbor to school, I couldn't help but think about two scenarios and the totally different attitudes.

One of Bobby's close friends is dying with an inoperable brain tumor. His desire is to die at home. Everyone supports that. Our problem is that as he gets worse, he is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. Every helper he hires either quits or he fires them (for things like "stealing" a container of cotton balls off the mantle. Yes, the very item that is used every day to administer some of his meds). Last month we heard from him once a week, calling just to chat or vent. Now we hear from him and many of his caregivers twice a week, calling multiple times throughout the day, trying to figure out how to deal with a crisis that he has created. He has the means to hire help to continue to live at home, but refuses to pay anyone or put anyone in charge of his affairs. His fear of not making choices about his life and refusing to be dependent on anyone (but making himself dependent on everyone in the process) makes things very difficult.

And then we have the total opposite scenario nearby, where a family doesn't have the means to pay for the help they desire and sometimes need, but they also refuse to be independent in anything that truly matters. They want to depend on everyone around them for things they could physically do for themselves. And when the time comes where they truly need assistance, there are few people left willing to help them at all. Their desire to be dependent in so many basic areas of life will eventually force them to lose what little independence they have.

It's really force me to think about my attitudes about myself and those around me. Am I being too independent or too dependent? Am I being kind, even if I don't agree or like a situation? Will my faith actions waiver or change as illness takes over? Am I making wise choices now? Where is the line between assisting and enabling?

I know how frustrating it can be to go home as an adult child and not be treated as an adult, and I try to remember that when dealing with an older person who so desperately want to make their own decisions but shouldn't or couldn't. I hope when I hit that point in life that I will be like two ladies I know who have made decisions, that even though they were difficult, made sense and were wise concerning their future. That I can gradually cede decision and life matters to those who can assist me in making decisions, and that I'll have friends and family around me willing to help with those matters when the time comes.

Growing old is not for the feint of heart.

Today

Despite all my yearnings for more cooler temps, despite what the calendar says, nature is screaming "It's spring!" I was able to finish pruning one line of grape vines today, and they were weeping with each major cut (which means their juices are NOT lying dormant!). Sweet gum and oak trees are budding, tulips and crocuses are popping up their heads, our late daffodils are up (we have one set that comes in January like they should and the other doesn't appear until February), and we had our first goose egg today.

This Saturday marks the first meeting for election trainers. Thankfully we have two weeks or so before we have to start with staff presentations, and actual classes won't start for another week or two after that, but just the fact that it is here reminds me that life is about to get busier. I'm excited about working again, even if it just a few hours each week, but primary elections are my least favorite. I'm having a hard time mustering up excitement for this round. Hopefully once we have the run-through I'll feel more excited about the process. I need to write a bio for powerpoint they show before classes, and I'm having the hardest time writing it. There's nothing about myself that I really care to write for the world to read. I thought about copying my blog bio, but I know they won't use that. Religion and politics are taboo subjects.

Many family and friends struggling with illness and unusual situations right now. The flu has been very bad in AL this year, my niece and a young woman at church are having difficult or high risk pregnancies, and so many others are suffering and grieving. And yet, with the death of Billy Graham, it was a refreshing reminder that death is sometimes welcome. He definitely lived an "abundant" life, and I know that although his family will miss him terribly, they're rejoicing that he is not suffering anymore.

It's late, so I'm signing off....

a blur of a week

It's been a good but hard week. Sometime last week I did something to my back. Unlike muscle pain I've had in my neck and shoulder, this has been intermittent. One moment I'm fine; the next minute has me gasping in pain. Afternoons/evenings seem to be worse.

So I went to the dr today and was told I'd over-stretched a muscle between my ribs, and am to not do any major work in my garden for about a week. I guess that also means I won't be deep cleaning behind some of the furniture I didn't get to last week, either.

Meanwhile we found out Bobby's chair had NOT been ordered, so the ordering process began Tuesday evening - which means we're still 3 weeks out from having a chair he can use. I hate it for him even more than I hate it for me. I'm realizing more and more how difficult  it is to maneuver with manual chairs. We're still waiting to hear from the sale rep whether or not he can find us a "black market" part for the old chair or if we can get a loaner chair (meaning he can still get around on his own, but not drive) until the new chair arrives and goes through the modification process.

Tomorrow is Melba Lauver's funeral (the wife of one of Bobby's close friends). He wants us to stay and eat with the family after the funeral, and I have very mixed emotions about that.

I was also offered a unique temporary job this week. I have until next week to make a decision. It's an honor to be asked, but the hours are long (12 hr work days...on top of housework and caregiving...for 2 different 10 day stretches) and I'm not sure we're up to that right now. Praying for wisdom.

And that is Friday. Not quite ready to believe that it is August, nor that this week is almost over.

Truman

Today our family's smiling, buoyant, and vivacious Kaitlyn will go through unimaginable pain and heartache - delivering her stillborn son. I am heartsick. The child (yes, I know she's been out of college for several years, but I held this girl's chubby little hands as she learned to walk and played "house" with tupperware containers in the floor at holidays with her when she was 2), who has yearned to be a Mom for many years now is cruelly having that dream ripped away in one of the most awful ways imaginable. I know over 20,000 women go through this in America every year, but that doesn't ease the pain any.

So our prayers and thoughts continue to rotate between Kaitlyn and Nathan, and the grandparents who were so excited, and for the very hard days to come...the dates for the upcoming showers, the delivery due date, etc. Little Truman's nursery was decorated and ready to go, and walking by that room itself is going to be painful when they come home.  Sometimes life just hurts.

odd stickies

There are some random details that just stick in my brain for odd reasons.  Last night/early this morning is the time my grandmother died several years ago. I don't remember the year, but I remember the phone call from my sister and my Dad. We were in north Raleigh trying to get the account on Bobby's phone settled and add me a cell phone, and spent almost the entire day (okay, three hours, not counting the time driving there) trying to get the whole mess straightened out. We were finally on the way home when my sister called Bobby's cell. The family had been trying to reach me all afternoon. When I called to talk to my Mom, Dad angrily told me to get a cell phone. The irony of it all still makes me shake my head. She was the last grandparent I had living. We were all thankful she died on the 2nd, as the 1st is my Uncle's birthday, and I can't think of much worse than losing a loved one on your birthday or anniversary.

I think of her at random times...when I'm folding clothes, or cleaning house, or when I pull my hair back with a barrette and pony tail. She hated that. I won't say what she'd tell me, but she didn't like it all. I think about her when I'm cleaning. She kept a very tidy house, and couldn't stand clutter. She'd throw things away or give things away in a heart beat. She loved to cook, and hated cooking and not having someone to share it with. I think that's one of the harder things she experienced about being a widow. She loved "the boys" (my four male cousins and my brother) and always reminded me it was my job to pray for them. And strangely enough, when I think of her, I think about that, and I do.

It's funny the things we think about and remember when a person is gone.

Happy homegoing day, Rea-Rea!

and it's over

As of 11am today, the holiday festivities are over. The last of the family that has been rotating through since December 10th has finally left. The wedding was great. Having my family here was wonderful. I feel as if my birthday and Christmas have been celebrated for quite some time. And having Bobby's family come and visit and have get togethers immediately afterward was nice. A small part of me would like to have a few more days to enjoy the decorations and Christmas music before jumping back into the craziness of life, but the other part of me wants to starting putting things away and prepping for the new year.

Despite predictions from the road crew that our road would be paved by Christmas, it's still not completed. Personally, I think there's still some work to be done before they start paving. I'm not thrilled with the steepness of our driveway now, nor that our driveway now comes out in the middle of a turn lane. The landscaping has been done on the border of our property and the school. Not thrilled that someone chose pine trees (enough of those pollen creating creatures already!) as one of the trees, but overall I am pleased with the placement and planting. Not sure someone thought out the reality of placing an oak tree where they did. Within ten years it will be extended to our yard, but we'll deal with that when the time comes, provided we're still here.  The large oak tree in our yard that the school purchased and said would be gone is still standing, though I expect they'll lop half the limbs off in a few years as its limbs will soon be hanging over the turn lane in the road. I think I'd rather they go ahead and cut it down than chop pieces of it off like that.

Today is my parents' 54th anniversary. Mom says it saddens here that when people find out how long she's been married they act shocked. That used to be common. And today is also the anniversary for a college roommate - except her husband died the week of Thanksgiving. I simply cannot imagine being a Mom to a senior in high school and losing your soul mate a few days before the holiday season begins. The thought of losing a spouse at any time is absolutely horrible. But losing one around the holidays just seems extra cruel.

And the holiday loss didn't stop there. My older sister spent a week before Christmas break (and her daughter's wedding) counseling students and organizing counselors as her charter school dealt with the disappearance of an 8th grader. She was found murdered, along with her mother. Her step-father and his brother are in jail without bond awaiting trial.

Then my cousin Gary, in his 50's, died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack. So my Dad was here for the wedding while his family gathered in AL for the funeral.

Meanwhile Bobby's friend and friend's wife, both whom have cancer, are learning a new normal as the wife returns home from what seems like 2 months in the hospital/rehab. She's now taking radiation 4x a week while he does his weekly maintenance appointments. And the list goes on and on....

Perhaps that is why my soul is ready to return to its busyness. It helps distract a little from the heartache surrounding me and gives me a reminder that life does not stop. People are lamenting on facebook today about how rough 2016 has been because of the number of entertainers who have died. And I'm thinking "So?"  I know that sounds calloused, but those people have never been in their home for a conversation, never eaten a meal with them, never posted on their blog or Facebook page, never sent them a text, and yet they're carrying on as if the world has ended. The reality is, nothing in their life is going to change one bit because of that person's death, whereas the people who are actually close to them whom they can help and impact are all but ignored while they mourn the life of a person they don't truly know.

And that's my rant for today.

life

This morning I opened Facebook and saw an unexpected announcement that Marilyn, owner of Bernina World of Sewing, a member of our local Quilts of Valor group, and someone I consider a friend, died Sunday. I know she's no longer suffering, and that these last few months have not been easy on her, her family, or her staff, but it's still hard to hear. Post after post mentioned her kindness, her ability to remember customer names. And all of that is SO true. But for me, I remember her pulling me aside during a non-busy quilt group meeting and asking me if she could ask some personal questions. She was tactful in everything she asked, but by some of her questions I could tell she had some experience with being a caregiver. She then opened up and talked about her first husband and his illness, and then her life with John and how she believed God truly brought him into her life. No matter how busy she was in the store, if I ever walked in, she always asked about Bobby. While I will enjoy my quilt groups and friends in the future, they won't be the same without her.

Meanwhile, two weeks ago my cousin who has MS, went to urgent care one night with extreme swelling in her feet. They told her she was 6 weeks pregnant and needed to see her doctor. So the following week she did and found out that while she was expecting, she was 34 weeks along with twins...one boy and one girl. Mom texted today that they're going to take the babies due to complications. I cannot imagine finding out that what you thought was impossible was happening and not having time to prepare for it. She owns a hair salon, so her whole life has just been thrown a curveball. I mean, really, other than an adoption/foster care scenario, who finds out that in 2-4 weeks your whole life is about to turn topsy-turvy with two children!

And this weekend we moved all 19 biddies outside to the little hen house. We're running the heat lamp to it at night. It's hot enough in the day time that they don't need it. They seem to be a lot happier, though they're a little bit timid about the whole situation.

So that's Monday in the Bryan household. Hopefully pictures of earlier events can come later this week.

perspective

A month ago a family from my home town lost their only two boys in a fishing/boating accident. It was two weeks before they found the body of the youngest, and another week before they recovered the body of the oldest. The oldest leaves behind a young wife.

The weekend of their memorial service, a classmate of my brother-in-law died in a boating accident, leaving behind a husband and four small children.

Yesterday I spent a few hours with a dear friend whose husband is slowly dying with a brain tumor. They had to make the gut-wrenching decision of a nursing home or hospice. Not exactly how you want to celebrate Easter.

And this morning I was greeted by a Facebook message from a college friend, saying that another classmate who has fought for her only child the last year and a half (the baby was born with half a heart and more than once the doctors wanted to just let her die because of the cost), whose daughter contracted a stomach bug over the weekend and was doing remarkably better, died unexpectedly.

My cousin spent Easter weekend camping, trying to get away from the memories of her 16 yr old daughter's death this time last year, and create some better memories for her remaining children.

Meanwhile my Facebook newsfeed is blowing up with people ranting and raving because their child's school is going to be closed and consolidated into a new building and they weren't given a chance to voice their approval/disapproval of the plan. I know that things that impact your life seem monumental, but in the scheme of life, this seems like such a trivial matter. They're getting a "free education" in a new building. They could be waking up facing a true nightmare of watching a loved one die or not having their child. These people need a reality check.

book review and musings

The other night I FINALLY finished reading A Plague of Frogs by William Souder.

The first chapter or two was riveting, giving background details to what I remembered hearing on the news many years ago. It was horrifying to think about. Because so many scientists and areas and viewpoints were involved, Souder's book simply follows the timeline of the story, meaning a LOT of jumping around from viewpoint to viewpoint and area to area. It was a little hard to remember who was in what area if you're only reading the book a little at a time like I was. The last 125 pages of the book are probably the best. The pace has picked up and you think an answer is finally in sight. Only, it's not. Well, at least not in the way readers are accustomed to have endings. Basically, there are multiple reasons to the decline/extinction of the frog population, scientists don't agree on all of the answers, the tests are inconclusive, and other than the fact that frogs are dying in massive quantities and some breeds have become extinct in the last 15 years, that's about all the resolution you're going to get.

Climate chaos, climate change, global warming, (and my older cousins and aunts laugh that it had different names but same meaning back in the 1960s and 1970s) does play a factor in the environment, regardless of what we believe about its causes (or even its existence). The irony of the whole situation to me is the reaction from the various worldviews. Some of the scientists in the book were clearly Darwinists, and yet, they seemed to be the most concerned about the result. If the whole concept of evolution is that the fittest will survive whatever is thrown their way, then isn't extinction of some animals a good thing? And for the record, there were many scientists interviewed in the back, mainly biologists, who saw this as a very small part of a larger picture, one that was too complex to bullet point certain answers. I gathered from my reading (and my conclusion here could be totally wrong) that while they were very concerned, they were also somewhat acquiescent about whatever nature doles out.

To me the irony comes not only in the panic of those who believe this is how nature is supposed to play out - some make it; others don't - but also in the mirror image attitude of Creationists. Some deny the whole concept of earth warming and changing (yet to hear any explanation for why species are dying out or temperatures are clearly changing as any gardener will tell you), which means they're also denying the reality of Scriptures that there will come days of famine, a day when the sun will clearly die out (and if you remember middle school science, stars get hotter before they die) and they see no cause for concern or change in behavior - whatever comes, they'll accept. That whole mindset reminds me of the acquiescent biologists. And then there's the others who are concerned and think we should modify our behavior and fulfill our command to "tend the earth" and stop things from getting worse. They're very concerned, and like the Evolutionists, I can't help but wonder if they've forgotten their theology that will come to pass.

I'm not sure what camp I belong to. I do believe the earth is warming. What percentage is man-made and what is natural demise, I can't say, but it's quite obvious that it's happening. Bobby has commented that the frog population in the pond (which he helped his Dad build at age 5) is miniscule compared to what it was in his younger years. While we've not seen the deformities found elsewhere, in my adult years I've also not played with the frogs enough to notice such things. I have heard many bird watchers and older people comment lately about certain birds they always enjoyed hearing or watching when they were younger no longer being around. And I know there are certain trees that used to be everywhere you almost never see anymore. There's a small part of me that makes me wonder if the Amish didn't have it right. Granted, I have no desire to give my up heat, AC or electricity, but I also know that in China their source of heat is one of the many factors that is giving them excessively dangerous air quality these days. I can't imagine having to choose between being slightly warm (when I lived there I had "heat" and still wore 3-4 layers inside in the winter) and the ability to breathe.

So while I was disappointed with the book's ending, even in my own life I don't have definitive answers or thoughts about the issues and potential causes themselves. Perhaps that is why I found the lack of conclusion so unsettling - I was looking for a conclusive answer to an endlessly vague issue.

Annette Carroll

Today we attended the funeral of one of the kindest people I've ever known. She had no problem telling you how she felt about something, but she was always gracious when she did. And if she later thought she was wrong, she apologized. My heart hurts for her children, who have now lost both parents, and even more for her grandchildren, who she loved dearly.

And I found the words to the song sang at her funeral so very fitting, and so descriptive of her:

Unfailing Love by Bethany Live and Jonathan Stockstill

I see You hanging there, I see Your nail pierced hands
For me, You paid the price for me
I see Your wounded side, I hear Your lonely cries
For me, You paid the price for me

It was unfailing love
Grace by Your blood
Come and pour over me 'til all I see
Is Your unfailing love

I see the crown of thorns, I hear them laugh and scorn
For me, You paid the price for me
I see Your Father's eyes turn from His bleeding Son
For me, You paid the price for me.

As one of the church members said, "She is someone who will be missed. Greatly." I'm so thankful her suffering is over, but her absence will truly be felt for a very long time. I couldn't help but reflect how no matter what people reminisced about, her love for her kids, her keeping the nursery during choir practice, and running the nursery for many years at church, teaching Sunday school, whatever they mentioned, they always returned to her joy or her kindness.

And that's my personal prayer for me tonight: that I will have keep my focus on the cross of Christ so much that my life will radically change, and people will continuously mention the characteristics of Christ instead of me when I'm gone. I honestly can't think of a better testimony.

mental photographs

For years I took lots of pictures. Many of them are still waiting to be sorted into albums. I still take a lot of pictures, but now they're stored on the computer. At first I thought that was horrible, but I actually see many of those more than I do the printed forms. They're much easier to find, and it doesn't involve dragging out or putting up boxes when I need to look for one.

As I age, I'm finding I have many mental photographs that were never taken that are forever burned into memory. As we came home from a friend's memorial service today, I've thought about that quite a bit. There are many mental images that come to mind when I think of Steve Anderson, but I don't have an actual photograph for any of them.

One is a Sunday morning scene. Steve would sometimes dress up, but he usually wore khakis or blue jeans with a dress shirt and sport coat on Sunday mornings. He taught the 1st-3rd graders, and he'd be on one knee, chatting with the kids. And they loved it. My favorite memory of that oft repeated scene was when he'd chat with the Wells twins (two identical boys). Their faces would light up as he was almost always able to distinguish which was which. I never figured out how he could, but being the father of identical twins himself, he knew how important it was to the boys that they be recognized for themselves and not as a set.

Another is moving days. Despite the fact that his back and knee often hurt him, I can't think of a time we needed to move someone in the church and he wasn't there with at least one of his boys, helping. He was not afraid to sweat, and didn't mind in the least if his children did either.

My other mental images don't necessarily bring a smile to my face, but bring physical hurt. There were times he'd talk to my husband when he was discouraged or concerned about a member of his family. I love the fact that he loved and cared about his family so much, but it also makes me hurt because I know their biggest prayer warrior, emotional cheerleader, and supporter is now gone. He left some mighty big shoes for our church to fill.

And last, but certainly not least, would be his smile while he was talking about his boys. I remember one time in particular that one of his boys in their younger years (and no, I won't say which one of the 7), acquired a credit card from the house and figured out how to bid on e-bay using a parent's account. He was early elementary school at the time. His parents were quite startled to receive the e-mail that they had won the bid for the old coin, and he was quite excited when questioned about it. Steve was both horrified that a child that young had figured out how to make it all work, but also quite pleased that a child that young had figured out AND done his homework on the worth of the coin. (He was also very grateful the kid's top bid didn't go over $5.) They did change their passwords and discuss internet purchases and credit cards with him, but you could see the shock and pride in his eyes as he discussed it. And that mental image of his eyes haunts me. I so badly want the boys to see that again as they grow up, get married, graduate from high school, and live their lives. I know that God is sovereign and He will be faithful to provide for them, but that look of love and pride in the eyes is something that cannot be replaced.

I know the days and weeks and months ahead will be challenging as they experience new normals, some of them harder to deal with than others. But I'm so thankful they have memories of jokes and laughter and fun times with their Dad to give them something to smile as they grieve. And I'm thankful our brains do recall images of events, and that the memories of our loved ones live on inside us.

stillness

Sometimes there are just no words.

A girl from high school died Saturday morning. Her family says goodbye today. She leaves behind a daughter who started middle school last week.

Bobby's wheelchair broke -on the weekend when repair shops are closed. And we relearn how dependent we are on that one piece of equipment.

A young friend is back in the hospital. Her 11 year old body has seen more pain and heartache than most adults will experience in several lifetimes put together.

And there's the ongoing health stuff that we seldom talk about - ordinary people would be calling 911; the quad community shrugs or nods and says "that goes with the territory". And I'm in the middle wondering where the path is.

So sometimes I have no words. I don't know what is the best or right thing to say, what I even need to ask God for. So many times I find the words "Lord, you know" coming to my mind.

And that's enough.

Do ya love me?

This past weekend a young mother-to-be from a small town in Wake County was shot to death behind the Party City where she worked. Her boyfriend has now been arrested and charged with her murder. So far the baby is surviving.

The day after the arrest, the media interviewed several of her friends from high school (her family is not talking to the media). They talked about her singing in praise band and how much she loved Jesus. So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "What changed?" The news article in the paper the next day described her as being "very active" in her church and that she was planning to move in with her boyfriend soon. And that little voice in my head is saying "It's not a Bible-believing church."

Today, in her obituary in the paper, it listed the name of the church and that she had a "passionate love for Jesus".  And the church she attends? It is Bible-believing. Which leaves me asking "How? Why?"

There's some very simple commands and statements made by Jesus Christ:

If you love me, keep my commandments. ~ John 14:15

By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. ~ John 13:35

He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him...If anyone loves me, he will keep My word...He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me. ~ John 14:21, 23, 24

and some other descriptions about God's love and us:

For the LORD is righteous, He loves righteousness; the upright will behold His face. ~ Psalm 11:7

The way of the wicked is an abomination to the LORD, but He loves one who pursues righteousness. ~ Proverbs 15:9

I am totally baffled how anyone, even someone whose heart has been ripped in pain with such a tragedy, can make such warped statements as "she passionately loved Jesus" when her life's fruit showed the exact opposite. Love Jesus? Okay, I'll just disobey his commands and commit adultery. Love Jesus? Sure, instead of "going and sinning no more" I'll not only commit the sin of adultery but plan to live the life of a wanton woman. I love Jesus so much that even though he commanded his followers to obey his commands (which included the law His Father gave), I'll not only NOT obey his commands, I'll brag to everyone about my disobedient lifestyle.

My heart is breaking for our country if churches who proclaim the saving grace of Jesus Christ and his power to transform lives allow its members to live the exact opposite. I'm reminded of King Josiah (in 2 Kings 22) who was given the "forgotten" book of the law, and when he read it, responded: ...for great is the wrath of the LORD that burns against us, because our fathers have not listened to the words of this book, to do according all that is written concerning us."  It is as if we have forgotten God's commands and that they apply to our lives, that if we truly love Him, we'll obey his commands.

My heart hurts for this family. Death is hard. An unexpected, tragedy such as this is even harder. But to turn a blind eye to God's commands and believe a lie, that's to face the wrath of God.

May He have mercy on the American church.