This year has thankfully been one of relative calm for the two of us, but we have had a multitude of friends and family going through some extremely trying and difficult days. This morning while taking our neighbor to school, I couldn't help but think about two scenarios and the totally different attitudes.
One of Bobby's close friends is dying with an inoperable brain tumor. His desire is to die at home. Everyone supports that. Our problem is that as he gets worse, he is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. Every helper he hires either quits or he fires them (for things like "stealing" a container of cotton balls off the mantle. Yes, the very item that is used every day to administer some of his meds). Last month we heard from him once a week, calling just to chat or vent. Now we hear from him and many of his caregivers twice a week, calling multiple times throughout the day, trying to figure out how to deal with a crisis that he has created. He has the means to hire help to continue to live at home, but refuses to pay anyone or put anyone in charge of his affairs. His fear of not making choices about his life and refusing to be dependent on anyone (but making himself dependent on everyone in the process) makes things very difficult.
And then we have the total opposite scenario nearby, where a family doesn't have the means to pay for the help they desire and sometimes need, but they also refuse to be independent in anything that truly matters. They want to depend on everyone around them for things they could physically do for themselves. And when the time comes where they truly need assistance, there are few people left willing to help them at all. Their desire to be dependent in so many basic areas of life will eventually force them to lose what little independence they have.
It's really force me to think about my attitudes about myself and those around me. Am I being too independent or too dependent? Am I being kind, even if I don't agree or like a situation? Will my faith actions waiver or change as illness takes over? Am I making wise choices now? Where is the line between assisting and enabling?
I know how frustrating it can be to go home as an adult child and not be treated as an adult, and I try to remember that when dealing with an older person who so desperately want to make their own decisions but shouldn't or couldn't. I hope when I hit that point in life that I will be like two ladies I know who have made decisions, that even though they were difficult, made sense and were wise concerning their future. That I can gradually cede decision and life matters to those who can assist me in making decisions, and that I'll have friends and family around me willing to help with those matters when the time comes.
Growing old is not for the feint of heart.
One of Bobby's close friends is dying with an inoperable brain tumor. His desire is to die at home. Everyone supports that. Our problem is that as he gets worse, he is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. Every helper he hires either quits or he fires them (for things like "stealing" a container of cotton balls off the mantle. Yes, the very item that is used every day to administer some of his meds). Last month we heard from him once a week, calling just to chat or vent. Now we hear from him and many of his caregivers twice a week, calling multiple times throughout the day, trying to figure out how to deal with a crisis that he has created. He has the means to hire help to continue to live at home, but refuses to pay anyone or put anyone in charge of his affairs. His fear of not making choices about his life and refusing to be dependent on anyone (but making himself dependent on everyone in the process) makes things very difficult.
And then we have the total opposite scenario nearby, where a family doesn't have the means to pay for the help they desire and sometimes need, but they also refuse to be independent in anything that truly matters. They want to depend on everyone around them for things they could physically do for themselves. And when the time comes where they truly need assistance, there are few people left willing to help them at all. Their desire to be dependent in so many basic areas of life will eventually force them to lose what little independence they have.
It's really force me to think about my attitudes about myself and those around me. Am I being too independent or too dependent? Am I being kind, even if I don't agree or like a situation? Will my faith actions waiver or change as illness takes over? Am I making wise choices now? Where is the line between assisting and enabling?
I know how frustrating it can be to go home as an adult child and not be treated as an adult, and I try to remember that when dealing with an older person who so desperately want to make their own decisions but shouldn't or couldn't. I hope when I hit that point in life that I will be like two ladies I know who have made decisions, that even though they were difficult, made sense and were wise concerning their future. That I can gradually cede decision and life matters to those who can assist me in making decisions, and that I'll have friends and family around me willing to help with those matters when the time comes.
Growing old is not for the feint of heart.
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