ripple effects

This year has thankfully been one of relative calm for the two of us, but we have had a multitude of friends and family going through some extremely trying and difficult days. This morning while taking our neighbor to school, I couldn't help but think about two scenarios and the totally different attitudes.

One of Bobby's close friends is dying with an inoperable brain tumor. His desire is to die at home. Everyone supports that. Our problem is that as he gets worse, he is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. Every helper he hires either quits or he fires them (for things like "stealing" a container of cotton balls off the mantle. Yes, the very item that is used every day to administer some of his meds). Last month we heard from him once a week, calling just to chat or vent. Now we hear from him and many of his caregivers twice a week, calling multiple times throughout the day, trying to figure out how to deal with a crisis that he has created. He has the means to hire help to continue to live at home, but refuses to pay anyone or put anyone in charge of his affairs. His fear of not making choices about his life and refusing to be dependent on anyone (but making himself dependent on everyone in the process) makes things very difficult.

And then we have the total opposite scenario nearby, where a family doesn't have the means to pay for the help they desire and sometimes need, but they also refuse to be independent in anything that truly matters. They want to depend on everyone around them for things they could physically do for themselves. And when the time comes where they truly need assistance, there are few people left willing to help them at all. Their desire to be dependent in so many basic areas of life will eventually force them to lose what little independence they have.

It's really force me to think about my attitudes about myself and those around me. Am I being too independent or too dependent? Am I being kind, even if I don't agree or like a situation? Will my faith actions waiver or change as illness takes over? Am I making wise choices now? Where is the line between assisting and enabling?

I know how frustrating it can be to go home as an adult child and not be treated as an adult, and I try to remember that when dealing with an older person who so desperately want to make their own decisions but shouldn't or couldn't. I hope when I hit that point in life that I will be like two ladies I know who have made decisions, that even though they were difficult, made sense and were wise concerning their future. That I can gradually cede decision and life matters to those who can assist me in making decisions, and that I'll have friends and family around me willing to help with those matters when the time comes.

Growing old is not for the feint of heart.

perspective

Two things I have always enjoyed doing are going to Estate sales and sorting through pictures. But lately both of those things are becoming not quite so fun.

About 20 years ago, a friend of mine didn't have a camera, and I asked her about it. (I was always taking pictures of everything and everyone.) She told me that her parents held an antique store and often were invited to sort through homes after people had died and the remaining relatives had taken all they wanted. Pictures were one of the things that often got left behind. She said you wouldn't believe the number of photos that got thrown away. I've tried to be a little more selective in what I take and what I actually print (printing and digital photographs...that's a whole separate blog post!) since that conversation, but I still take a LOT of pictures.

During Mom's surgery and over Thanksgiving, we tackled the boxes of photos Mom has, trying to sort them into ziplock bags by years. In four days of work, sometimes with three people working, we only emptied/organized three boxes. My sister and I tossed quite a few (when Mom wasn't looking). And now I'm trying to place some of the ones I had sorted years ago into albums. I've made a lot of progress, but there's still a lot to do.

And estate sales...lately I'm finding the same thoughts running through my mind at estate sales as when I sort through pictures - this will be my stuff some day. I like to think that before I die I can downsize and sort through and give away or sell most of what I have, but the reality is that may not happen. And since we don't have children, there's not likely to be anyone who would really want what I have. I can hear my nephew now. She STILL has that television?! It's a 100 years old!!! Take that to the dump! Although there is one advantage to having a television that is over 30 years old (and still working fine)...thieves don't want it! :)

I know some of these thoughts came about when I helped a friend and then my sister move last year. It really made me think about how much stuff I have and what will be done with it when I'm gone. And that's not a bad thing. I've done a lot of cleaning and organizing since that time, and plan to do a lot more before the year is out. And I'm slowly tackling projects that I had put aside for "the future".  That time is here, and it is quickly marching past.

brief update

Well, since my last post on body piercings, we went to Krispy Kreme Saturday evening to get a hot doughnut (something we've never done before). As soon as we made it through the door (the line was long), I was face to face with another customer who had the "all over" piercing...except this girl had one I had never seen before.  She had about 5 holes in each ear, the eyebrow, the upper lip, the lower lip, the tongue...and a fingernail size stud above the nose on each side of the beginning of her eyebrows. It's one of those scenarios where you don't want to look but you have a hard time not looking. I wanted so badly to pull out my camera and snap her picture and post it (it was almost too incredible to see), but I knew that would be rude and I wouldn't want someone doing that of me. Can't you just imagine that post?  I saw the craziest girl today. Her hair had NO color in it AT all and NO tattoos or facial piercings. Is she a total prude or what? Except I don't think the language would be that drab.

In case you haven't seen what I've been talking about, this website shows both the eyebrow piercing (you'll have to scroll down), as well as the ear disks, plus many other things. A few will make you squirm.

When I first read the Hunger Games trilogy, I remember laughing a little at Katniss' description of the people in the capital and how they dressed. No one could be that bizarre, I thought. Now I'm starting to understand.

old school

My nephew is often curious about the old things we don't have. He's also very kind to show me games on his Mom's ipad that he thinks I will like, and will sometimes play them with me. (He also thinks I should ask for an ipad for Christmas so I can play that stupid rock game and word jewels...as if I need anything else to usurp my time).

A year and a half ago I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo...same thing as the official NaNoWriMo, except it's NOT in the month of November, which is an absolutely crazy month for us.  This past week I pulled out my rough draft to start critiquing, and quit on page 67. I do have a post-it note FULL of page numbers that need work, but I was boring myself.  I also found I don't critique myself very well on a laptop. So today, I purchased a ream of paper and two things of black ink (one should be sufficient, but it's cheaper to buy two....that's my Dad's shopping skills coming out in me) so I can print the thing out and start modifying/marking it up to hopefully rewrite sometime this year.

I know it would have made a lot more sense to have simply written it every other line on paper so the first round of editing would have been easier, but I find it so much easier to type and write, and actually prefer typing to writing by hand. And I'll confess, I was a bit horrified this past week when we strolled through the computer section at Best Buy and I saw these super tiny keyboards.  I can't even begin to imagine the cramped hands from attempting to type/write with those.The average size keyboard has the keys spaced out for a reason (it's the natural spacing on the hand) - to be type friendly. Maybe the designers thought all these text-crazy kids would prefer the smaller keyboard, maybe there truly is a conspiracy to make everything even more challenging for disabled people, but whatever the reason, those tiny keyboards are not realistic for the average person over 40.

I'm realizing how much I am old school this week.  So yes, I'll be doing my editing on PAPER. And I'll be much happier doing an agonizing task that way,  I'm sure.

brithday celebrations with the "youngest"

Growing up, I was blessed with many siblings in cousins on both sides of my family. I don't ever remember not having someone my age to play with at family gatherings; it was more an issue of who to play with or finding someone I knew the best.
That's not the case for my nieces and nephew. My oldest nieces are in college. My nephew is 13, my other niece is 9. They also have lived very far apart all their lives, so most holidays they don't see each other. With my birthday coming immediately before Christmas, my birthday has become something of a "tradition" to be celebrated with the two younger ones (because they live near my parents who we are visiting at the time).  Carly has taken it upon herself the last two years to "plan" birthday parties for everyone. She discusses it with her Mom or my mother, and designates who is buying, baking what. She doesn't always get what she wants (like last year for my 40th when she just KNEW I wanted a fancy cake with purple and pink sparklies and my sister bought me a cookie cake instead with Peanuts characters...she was quite amazed to find out I loved chocolate chip cookies and even more surprised to find those some cartoon characters on a wall in my house when she visited this summer....yes, Mom does know some things!), but she does her best. So this year we played "Pin the Tail on the Donkey (more like Aunt Monica, Carly, and Mason played), and had a pinata (which only the two kids hit and she was the only one scrambling for the candy...yeah, we adults are boring that way), but there were a few other interesting things as well:

1. The decor...I don't think I would have pictured myself as a zebra kind of girl, but that's what we had: zebra plates and matching table cloth (which of course matched her shirt):  

 

2. The cake: Mom had a variant on her traditional home-made cake with chocolate icing. For years, I was convinced it was a caramel icing, and was quite surprised when I started helping cook and discovered it was: peanut butter. I think Mom was relieved and pleased that I not only remembered that but suggested it when she asked. It's both easy and delicious. It was also Carly's first time having one of my childhood favorites, and I don't think she was impressed. At all.

 

 

3. Game time...several people in my family are big Monopoly players. This year I bought and tried out Monopoly Empires (because it claims to be a faster version of the game and my younger sister and I share a mutual dislike of really long games), and we brought it to AL with us. We discovered something new and disturbing...when a child has never had to play games with other children...they don't know how to lose. She pouted, she cried, she cried with BIG crocodile tears, and Uncle Bobby and Aunt Monica and her Mom hardened their mean old Grinch hearts and "stole" her favorite billboard tiles and "made" her lose the game. And to make it even worse? It happened again the next day with different players.  Life's not fair. Get used to it. I sound so much like my mother!







 

The craziest part of the first evening was when I told her she needed to clean the table before we put the game down, as I didn't want Uncle Bobby's Christmas present to get messed up. She immediately put that hand on her hip, looked at me with a frown and said "How can you afford this?"  We all looked at each other in surprise. One of us asked her what she meant. She shook her head incredulously and said "Y'all are just poor farmers. You can't afford this."  It was all we could do not laugh. Owning chickens does NOT make us farmers, and we are certainly not classified as poor. I guess since we don't have smart phones, a Wii, an XBox, and ipad, nor cable (and I told her she needed to send me a different list when she requested a Kindle Fire for Christmas...that was not in our budget), and we eat the eggs from our chickens and have our own garden...in her mind we are very poor.  Perspective is truly everything!

 

But when all is said and done: I love the time we have together and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world

 

on this Monday...

My cousin gets married this weekend! It still seems like yesterday I was waiting to hear the news that she was safely born and her Mom (who is my first cousin and 2 months older than me) was doing well. I'm happy and excited for her, though it does seem strange to watch this generation transition into adulthood.

Sometimes I think one of the downsides to being childless is that time slips away faster. Our lives are marked by the seasons and gardening/animal responsibilities, which simply rotate, and not by the changes of sports categories and divisions and homework levels. I think as you live the growth of the child, the passage of time seems a little more real (or surreal) than just merely observing from the sidelines. Though I'm certain if I called her parents today, they would be wondering where time has gone as well.

This isn't turning out to be the trip I had hoped. I had thought with Bobby retired we would be able to take some extra time and do some sight-seeing in Northern Alabama and maybe visit his sister, but it's not working out that way. And that's actually okay. I'll enjoy the time I do have with family (even if my 10 year old niece is bemoaning my arrival a few days early...she'll have to clean her room!) and we're hoping we might even get to see my nephew play in a basketball game.

So on today's agenda is finishing a cowgirl costume for my niece, wrapping Mom's birthday present (which I'll miss yet again next month) and a wedding present, tackling laundry, and repairing netting on the chicken pen. It's going to be a very full and busy week, but one that I'm looking forward to very, very much.

20/?

Eight years ago I signed my life away and had two five minute surgeries that radically changed my life. Even though I could see almost perfectly the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, it still took a year to overcome the 24 year habit of reaching for my glasses first thing in the morning. The doctors told me before and after the procedure that at some point in my forties I would need reading glasses, and if I wanted to, they could then re-do the procedure on one eye so I could use that eye as reading glasses. That thought did not appeal to me then, and still doesn't now.

What did shock me was a few months ago when the words in a book were blurry that weren't blurry the day before. Yes, I was tired. I blinked. I washed my face. I used my eyedrops. Still a bit fuzzy. I started to put the book away and realized that the further away I held the book, the better I could see it (which is the total opposite of how I started out needing glasses). When my eye doctor told me I would need reading glasses in my forties, I was thinking MID-forties, not 40.5.  That's just too early!  But after several months of holding books far away, making my arms tired, and leaning back from the computer while I type, I finally broke down and bought some reading glasses at Target last week.

I had always laughed at the half-size glasses people wore, or the fact that they wore them way down on their nose.

But now I totally get it. I refused to buy such silly looking things like those above. I got normal glasses that aren't thick and black like my grandpa wore. And after a week of having them, I wish I had gone for the ridiculous looking ones above. If Bobby comes in to ask me something or I need to look at something on the news, the moment I look away from the book everything looks blurry. Not good. I even took them to church Wed night to see how that went. I could read my Bible much better, but I got so tired of putting them on and taking them off that I didn't even bother with them today.  This week I have my regular check-up with the eye doctor, and I'm curious what he'll say if I don't even mention reading glasses to him.

I'm beginning to appreciate the statement that shocked and horrified us a few years ago when a doctor said it to my husband : "Yes, getting old sucks."
(And I'm thankful my mother doesn't read my blog because she would be most mortified that I repeated/typed that.)

retirement update

Because everyone keeps asking...Bobby's retirement is going quite well.

Most days are like Saturdays...we sleep a little later than before, I do housework, we tend the animals, I do laundry, we take care of errands and business, some days we do yardwork, and some days we find/make time for fun stuff. And we have taken 2 trips to Alabama - one to check on Mom after her surgery and one to see my niece and nephew get baptized, and two short trips here in NC.

That's all I really know to tell you.

I've not started gourmet cooking (and don't plan to), though I did clean/ organize 2/3 of my work room the last two weeks. I never got around to establishing a writing schedule nor getting the wallpaper off the bathroom wall, but that's okay. I'm thinking August might be a good month for that. :)

I will say that in four months, we've only had one week where we both wanted to consistently smack each other upside the head. Personally, I think one week out of sixteen isn't quite bad.

And that, my friends, is how life with a retiree is.

And Bobby's disclaimer: "Why would people think we were going to drive each other crazy? We were both crazy to start with!"

Yes, some things in life just don't change.

horror stories

I'm starting to feel like I'm expecting...I keep hearing horror stories. We are excited to be entering a new chapter in our lives, while at the same time a little nervous. (Okay, maybe I should insert a disclaimer here and say that I'm nervous and excited while my husband is his normal calm self.) No matter where we go, someone who knows this date is approaching feels the incessant urge to tell us about some poor housewife who almost goes crazy with her husband at home all day long and either gets a job or makes him get one. We smile, laugh, make a joke, and I inwardly sigh. Do I expect there to be some adjustments down the road? Of course. Every stage of life brings some. But I also expect to enjoy this. I'm looking forward to having Bobby at home, to having someone to pester  give me feedback on ideas or tell me whether or not I have the right color of thread.

The reality is: my life probably won't change all that much. I'll still be a caregiver and housewife, still have chickens to feed and eggs to gather and a pen to clean occasionally; there'll still be a dog to handle (more on Buster tomorrow), the laundry isn't going to go away, nor will my list of projects. My level of  housework will increase some as there'll be more tiretracks to sweep up throughout the house, but I'll probably have a little more time as I imagine someone other than me will be using the computer. :)

It's hard to imagine that today is my last "normal" day. Tomorrow we join Bobby's immediate office for lunch, then I'll take down all his pictures and scrub all the ink stains his special pen has left on the desk. I don't think Amanda wants a messy desk on her first day in her new office. Then Thursday morning I'll head to his office to take pictures of his last commission meeting, and they'll be a reception for everyone he's ever worked with plus family. When we get home tomorrow night, he will be on his last week of "sick leave", and on March 1st his retirement will become official.

I was looking forward to his first week at home so we could get into some type of routine and rest a little, when I got a text from my Dad last night that Mom is having surgery again next Tuesday. I wasn't able to be there for them at all this last year during her surgery and aftermath, so we'll be heading to AL sometime in Feb or March to help out some. I'm thankful that the timing is working out after his retirement and not before (his work load has been a little crazy this month), and I'm trying to get stuff done here around the house in case we get a phone call telling us to come early. And so the ending to this chapter of our life is ending with quite a bit of activity!

a good but crazy week

Since my last post, a LOT has happened.

On Wednesday we received word that a friend of ours lost her husband. I've never met him, but we were among many who prayed for his salvation. He grew up in a pastor's home and wanted absolutely nothing to do with faith. His wife didn't grow up in church, and found Christ, after marriage, to be the missing piece in her life. Within a few months of his cancer diagnosis, he came to Christ. So I hurt for my friend and her loss, but am rejoicing that we know where her husband is today. His funeral is tomorrow, and I can assure you that the wife's church will be rejoicing to an answered prayer of over 20 years.

On the other hand, my heart is still hurting for a family in our church in a similar situation, but with a different outcome. It's definitely a double loss for them.

Thursday - the insanity began. We returned to healthy eating (by our standards - making sure we eat the required amount of fruits and vegetables and less meat and bread, and for me going back to myfitnesspal and counting my calories). I am giving myself official holidays and birthdays off, and that's it. It's not been easy. At all. I don't have a timeline, but I need to lose 110 pounds. That will still have me overweight on the charts, but since I've never matched the charts, that doesn't bother me. The longest I've ever lasted on this journey has been three months, but I'm trying not to think about the future and just worry about today.

That night at our ladies book club at church (we're reading Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges), I found it SO applicable to the day (not being thankful for my healthy vegetables, anxiety over whether or not I'll fail again, etc) and I love being able to laugh with the ladies in our church. I love their openness and the honesty, and the fact we can talk about areas in our lives that need improvement without fear of condemnation. That is such a blessing.

And while I was at the meeting, Bobby's last remaining aunt (the youngest of his Dad's siblings) was at the hospital undergoing a partial hip replacement. We had seen her Saturday and she could barely walk, so I wasn't terribly surprised to hear she broke her hip. I'm thankful for the care she has received where she lives (and I'm making myself a note to blog about it soon). I don't know what the future will hold for her now, but as I watch her I often wonder will I one day be in her shoes (she doesn't have childen and never married...totally on her own).

And today is my Dad's birthday. I got to talk to him this morning, though I don't think his card will make it to AL today. It's hard to believe I have a parent who is 71. I think my younger siblings will get together Sunday for lunch to celebrate with them. I don't think his cake will be as cool as mine that my sister got for me (see below), but if my 8 year old niece and 11 year old nephew have any say, it will be uniqe.

And now I need to sign off before I start craving chocolate chip cookies again. Bernina quilt sampler information will have to wait for another day.

forward and backward

Perhaps I remember visits to the eye doctor more vividly than the general practitioner because  I wasn't sick when I saw the eye doctor. Growing up we attended teh Alabama School of Opthamoogy. The visits were cheap compared to most eye doctors, but you were checked out twice: one by s student doctor and once by his teacher/supervisor.  For the most part, it was a positive experience, except for third grade. It was summertime, that room was COLD, they left me in there for the longest kind of time imaginable (I watched two cartoons ont eh screen as opposed to one and still had time  to examine every single piece of equipment in that room before climbing bqack iup in my seat and daydreaming and debating whether to poke my head out in the ahllway and yell "Does anybody know I'm here?"
I don't remember whether or not that was the year the student stormed out o the door saying "That's not possible!": and I had to redo EVERY SINGLE TEST with the regular doctor as opposed to the basic eye stuff. i do know that was the year I had to start wearing glasses all the time instead of just for reading adn looking at things for away.That year I got to pick out my own frames, and I thought they were the coolest glasses on the planet. They were Holly Hobby, and the sides swooped like an S. They had pink and purple and green mottled with bron, and I thought I was the coolest kid int he world. I look back now and cringe.
Today was my normal check-up. I missed last year'sexam, so decided I better do it this year. LIke the last six years, the exam doesn't take as long, I can read the smallest line iwthout help, and there's no longer a guessing game or using all th etest tricks I developed a s a child to figure out whether I'm staring at a B, an 8, or a 3 or P.  There's no meeting with someone who has perfect vision trying to help you see without your glasses as you pick out frames, no contact orders. I just paid the bill and left. And that was nice. I wish I had had the lasik surgery sooner.
And I got what is becoming the standard spill from any doctor. Yeah, the encouraging you're getting older and your body is going to start changing (in this case I'll probably need reading glasses again in the next four years, blah, blahd).  But for now, my vision is fine. Well, other than having dilated eyes and not being able to read anything at the moment (including the computer screen or whatever it is I'm typing.)
And that is still a new experience for me and one that I'm learnin to like.
:)