a lot of mixed emotions

Today Governor Cooper announced that North Carolina's stay at home order will not end with April's calendar but will extend until May 8th. Even then, if things continue to improve, not everything will open at all once but in gradual steps.

The pros & cons of all of this:

• The health care system will not be overwhelmed and they can continue to acquire medical supplies for those treating the virus. The health system may be somewhat strained, but when nurses at hospitals are not working full shifts and many offices are closed, it is hard to say they are overwhelmed. There are many people who need treatment or care but are not getting it because doctors are not opening their offices. Those who do seek care are treated in a crazy manner if they have a fever, even though multitudes of things cause a fever, not just this virus.
• People who have the virus but aren't showing symptoms won't continue to expose wide ranges of people to the virus. Watching people at the grocery store and the produce center is enough to convince me that people will not/are not social distancing on their own. Only people suspected of having the virus are being tested so there is no way to know who has it, who is immune to it, and who may or may not come down with it. We don't live in fear and radically alter our lives during flu season even though many people do not get vaccinated, so why are we panicking so much over this?
• Small businesses that can't afford the extra cost of social distancing and constant cleaning to protect themselves and their clients aren't open. Some small businesses are doing curbside pickup or deliveries only because there is no way to pay the salaries of all the employees necessary to clean behind the public and limit the number of customers. It's financially not feasible to open. Others are willing to take the risk, but that leads us back to point number one.
• Nay sayers have a command to practice common sense. It all comes back to the age old question, "What is the role of government?"  If it is to protect the health and welfare of the public, then to some degree this is answer. (but not totally...see point one). If people are truly free to do as they wish, open their business as they will etc, and the general public is truly concerned about the spread of this virus, then they will choose to stay home and the deterioration of the economy will still happen but it won't be because of a government mandate.  But it also leads back to the pro of the first point.

From social media I know that I have four former co-workers who have the virus. And from what I know of these men and their lifestyles, for them to be admitted to the hospital for several days, or treated and sent home only to return a week or two later, this virus is no joke. Three of the four are my age and are not in the high risk category. One of the men's teenage son posted that on the morning his Dad went to the hospital he was truly scared for his Dad's life.

I know of four people who have lost loved ones during this pandemic (all four non-virus related), and none of them have been able to hold a funeral. That's not right. That's emotional cruelty.

And I know someone in a nursing home. She is hard of hearing and very forgetful. She keeps getting in trouble for leaving her room. While she doesn't usually have many visitors, she does enjoy getting together with her friends living near her for game time. She is now deprived of her only social interaction. That is cruel.

In Alabama, my friend Misty has a benign brain tumor that cannot be removed because it is deemed a "non-essential" surgery. My aunt cannot have her shoulder cuff repaired, even though she cannot lift her hand above her waist or pick up anything with her arm. The hospital says it is not an essential surgery. In TN a friend from college was not able to see his optometrist even though as a diabetic he should be seen immediately if his eyesight changes.  And I've heard from many people here in NC who have been unable to see doctors about issues. I'm so thankful a nurse took Bobby's situation seriously last week and advocated for him with a doctor so he could be treated. I was thankful a surgeon saw him today to remove the drain and allowed me in to ask questions. But I am a tad bit concerned about the fact that whether or not he is seen in a month for the follow-up is up to us. If we see certain things then we go back; if we don't, we can call and say everything is good. They want to limit the number of patients coming in. And while I think I can handle that, I am neither a nurse nor a doctor. What if I think things are okay and they're really not? When we are sacrificing the healthcare of so many to make sure we have the capabilities of treating the ones who "might" get sick, is that healthcare?  Should we not simply have larger hospitals or plans in place to handle high volume times instead of refusing to treat people with serious needs? At what point is avoiding preventative care inviting problems in the future? Is refusing to treat a patient when you have the facility and the ability not a violation of the doctor's oath?

I understand there are places where the volume is so overwhelming that hospitals cannot handle it. But here in NC, the state has over 9,000 hospital beds and less than 500 people hospitalized with the virus. Where is the overrun?

I know from working the elections that people not familiar with the process often make comments that we are overstaffed or not doing our jobs. I remember the year when in my training cycle I questioned my trainer why I could not open certain spots up for voters. Her answer was that if we did, then those stations would not be in available to do their job when needed. I didn't reply, but I was thinking those spots had not been used all day. But sure enough, ten minutes later every single one of those stations I had wanted to use all had a line for their designated tasks. What we saw and observed at the hospital last week might not be the whole picture. I would never want to overwhelm the doctors and nurses who are helping those in need. But I can't help but wonder if there is not a better way.

I will probably be withdrawing from Facebook quite a bit the next few days. There were way too many mean-spirited and disrespectful, if not hateful, posts today after the press conference. Whether or not I voted for our Governor is irrelevant. Whether or not I agree with his policies is not the issue. He is our elected official, and if we as Christians truly believe that God raises up and demotes our rulers, then he is due our respect whether we like him or not. He is a created being of God and our leader, and we are subject to our government.

And at this point...it's only one extra week. For now.

seeking boldness

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. ~ Hebrews 4:16

I learned when I was twelve that God does not always answer our prayers with a yes. When I was 19, I experienced that again at a very monumental time. It's not an easy lesson when you desperately and fervently pray for something only to get a no for an answer.

This week has me timidly approaching God. I know we're commanded to ask boldly, but I so struggle with that. I know He hears me, but I still doubt that He will answer the way I expect. It's almost like I anticipate that He won't.

Misty lived across the hall from me in my college. We were in the same prayer group, and were both Alabama girls. We watched the important football games together. She was (and still is) a firecracker of a personality. A few weeks ago she had a seizure while teaching her high school English class, and discovered that she has a benign brain tumor. Her surgery was to be this week, but has now been postponed because it is an "elective" surgery. Prayers for a successful surgery, for her recovery (which if she could have now would allow her to be back in the classroom in August), and for no repurcussions from the removal of the tumor leave me a little timid inside. At a time like this, she needs all her prayer warriors to march boldly to the throne, not timidly.

Tim was in my class and his future wife Jessica was a year or two behind us. There son is in critical condition at this moment and with the COVID-19, only one of them can be at the hospital with them. The whole family has been so heavy on my heart tonight and yet I struggle to find the words to pray.

I know that God is good and loving, and kind and merciful. But I also know that  His ways are not mine. I struggle to understand His reasoning and the whys of things happen the way they do sometimes.

And today I struggle with boldness. So tonight I'm boldly praying for mercy and grace for my old classmates and their families. I know He'll answer that prayer.

still uncertain

A little over a month ago we were in a fast food place after church on Sunday. We were still in our church clothes, and as we normally do we prayed before starting. After a bite or two, this young man comes up to our table, pulls up a chair, and nervously begins talking. He said he felt strange doing this and had never done it before, but he felt that it was not God's will for Bobby to be in a wheelchair and wanted to know if he could pray for him. We just looked at each other. He's told me about this happening to him on numerous occasions, and I've heard from many people in a support group I belong to that this is a common occurrence, but it was the first time it's ever happened in front of me.

I'm thankful the guy was polite and asked if it was okay to pray with us (I've heard stories of people just doing it...you know, because they're on a mission from God), that he was humble in spirit (though telling someone they're out of God's will for simply existing in a chair is a bit arrogant, even if it's not meant that way), and he seem truly concerned.  But after the prayer, he was clearly disappointed, and the outcome was not what he expected.  The guy didn't stick around, and I'm thankful that he only held Bobby's hand during prayer time and didn't slap him on the head or rub his hands up and down his legs or arms, as if he were a prophet of old.

I know the Bible talks a lot about healing. And contrary to what Baptists teach and believe, I'm not totally convinced that the gift of healing ended with the New Testament/Early church era. And yet...

I know what it means for God to say no. There are numerous examples in Scripture of where God chose not to heal. And I've witnessed those same situations again and again in my lifetime. But I'm still uncertain how to deal with Christians who treat the gift of healing as proof of faith. And, I must confess, I was a bit angry. Did this guy honestly think we've never prayed for healing?!?

After Bobby's accident, he lost quite a few friends. Some of that happens with any life-altering event, but a few of them actually told him they were disappointed in him or that they knew he had hidden sins or God would have healed him. I'm sure they thought they were trying to help a "wayward" brother, but that's cruel.

So I guess this was all still playing over and over in the back of my mind as I read Laura Story's "When God Doesn't Fix It" last month. And it was a hard read, but also a refreshing one. It was good to hear another believer address all the myths about healing and restoration that continue to abound in the Christian church.

We talked on the way home about if we had invited that young man to join us and discuss Scripture and what it means to have a relationship with God and what the Bible says about healing, what we have said? Would that have changed his viewpoint? Probably not. And the reality is, we were all too shaken, shocked, and hurt by the encounter to have a rational discussion about anything.

If it ever happens again, I'm not sure how I will respond. I'm not sure there's a right or wrong way to handle such a scenario, but it's truly one I hope we never experience again.

opposite sides of the coin

This morning we listened to part of the Interfaith Prayer Breakfast in Raleigh that is held every year on Martin Luther King Jr Day. David Crabtree was one of the speakers that we heard, and I appreciated some of the personal recollections that he had to share that explained some of his views and motives in his journalistic reporting.  One of the King quotes he stated, and I've seen many times since on Facebook, is this:

Overall, it's a great quote. But when I started thinking about the daily things facing our society (Crabtree mentioned several, especially homelessness), I realized that the very terms justice and injustice are vague.  I mentioned some of my thoughts to Bobby, and he agreed that our very views of justice and injustice are largely determined by the framework with which we view society.

For example: immigration. If I showed this saying to different friends and asked them how it applied to immigration in America, I would get the some of the following responses:
- The lottery system that we have for people to get visas to come to America, especially for those seeking asylum, are so unfair and tedious that it is an injustice. It undermines the citizenship process and the principle of America being a beacon freedom and hope to those in need.
- Ignoring our current laws, whether or not we like them, is an injustice. Choosing which laws we will obey or ignore creates loopholes for people who want to break the law and undermines our justice system as a whole.
- I had to serve in the Cuban military for 2 years because I could not get a visa to America until my service was over. I followed the law and did what American required, no matter what it cost me both as a Cuban and as a Christian. People should not be able to break the very laws that I had to suffer and follow to come just to be treated as heroes. There is no justice in that.
- It is unjust to have border laws at all, and by creating and having such laws we are creating an injustice to humanity in general. We are a rich country with abundant resources, and to ignore the plights of thousands who simply want the a better opportunity and the chance to work and support their families is unjust. None of us got to choose where we were born. Why should we punish others for not being born here?

And I'm sure there would be other variations of the above responses if I asked more people. I think every one of my friends above would agree with King's statement. But every single one would disagree with what it actually means in real life.

I fear that is one of the reasons why we will always have different opinions and cries of injustice and immorality - we see things from different viewfinders. As Christians, we are commanded to seek justice and to show mercy. (Micah 6:8) Determining how that plays out in real life can have different actions and reactions - even for Christians.

head tilt...say What?

Today during a quilt sew-in I happened to overhear part of a conversation happening at a nearby table. It totally caught me off guard.

Both are very sweet and caring ladies. One of them is a widow who talks ALL.THE.TIME. Some of her stories are interesting. She was telling about a trip somewhere in England, and on the mantel in the countryside house was a cross-stitch hanging saying "God hears everything you say."  They were a bit shocked by that, saying how austere that was, and how it must have been an attempt to teach a child not to swear. Then one of the ladies (who is English) made the comment and said "Hmm. They must have been Baptists."

Are Baptists the only ones who believe that God is omniscient? Are we the only ones who believe that when God's word speaks about the tongue and our words, it actually means what it says? I just can't fathom the mindset of believing that your God or deity is not powerful enough to know what you speak or think. What is the point of serving or trusting in such a limited power?

And it also baffled me that they thought teaching anyone, especially a child, such a concept, was too overbearing for a child. For me, the omniscience of God was always a comforting thought. I liked thinking that God understood my mind and words, even if no one else did. And in a large family, the idea that someone could hear my every word, even more so that he cared enough to do so, was amazing and made me feel very special and very loved.

He hears me.

nearing the finish line

This year is ending as quickly as it began. Elections are over, first of three quilt presentations this month is over, and the kids Christmas play at church is rolling almost faster than I can keep up with.

This week has also been a major change in Bobby's friend Hank. Today the hospice nurse told us we were looking at days to a few weeks. He's said all his good-byes, and has been very fearful this week that God has not forgiven him for his sins. This afternoon we chatted, and Bobby read several of his favorite passages of Scripture to him. I asked him to read a passage (Psalm 130) that my sis-in-law had posted on FB this morning and Hank surprised us by asking Bobby to read the last two verses of Jude. We both looked at each other, surprised. But we did, and I couldn't help but think what awesome promises to cling to in times of doubt.

 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. (Jude 24 and 25)

to present us faultless...one of the things I hate about my job on election day is evaluating the job people do. I try to be honest but objective.  No one is above making mistakes, especially during an insanely long day, nor being a bit rude, especially when dealing with rude, impatient, or ignorant people. And yet, I find comfort in knowing that no matter what happens around me, no matter if I mess up in explaining a situation to a person who really does not care to know, or show unkindness when dealing with a crazy situation, when I stand before my Judge, I will be presented as faultless because of my Savior. It doesn't make sense. And that is why God deserves glory and majesty and the power for all of eternity - because He can handle it, and He is merciful to us humans who, while created in His image, can't handle it.

My heart's desire tonight is that my mind will recall Scripture like Hank's, (he can't remember basic words or articulate simple requests, but is remembering parts of the Bible!) in times of need, that Hank will continue to be mostly pain free, and his time to rejoice in the presence of God will come quickly. He seemed disappointed when he asked if he was about to die and I told him probably not today. He needs rest, in every level and meaning of the word.

the same but different

I didn't attend the lecture, but BWOS recently had a lecture on color choices and layout. All the blocks in the quilt below are the same pattern, but the fabric choices make them totally different.

And because this has been on my mind a lot lately, this reminds me a lot of faith. People can have faith in only Jesus Christ, but that faith can be lived out in different ways and look totally different. It has always bothered me when people say someone can't really or truly be a Christian because of x, y, or z. It really boils down to what we believe about Jesus. It reminds me of the disciples going to Christ and telling him about another group of people who didn't hang out with them performing miracles in the name of Jesus. They wanted Christ to tell them to stop. And his response? "I have disciples you know nothing about."  Maybe I'll do a one block pattern quilt one day with different fabrics like the one above to help me remember that.  I can't wait to get to heaven and see how diverse the backgrounds and thoughts and former doctrines will be.

say what?

This afternoon while running errands, the lady checking receipts commented on how cold it was for May. (and while the high 60s/low 70s are cool for this month, it's not unheard of either) Then she said "You know what the Bible says about that, don't you?"  And for the life of me, I couldn't think of anything she could possibly construe about the weather, so I asked "No. What?" And she told me the Bible said in the end times the seasons would all be the same and houses would burn, and that we were seeing that now. I was so speechless, I couldn't ask her where the Bible said that, and I couldn't figure out a polite way to tell her I've never come across that anywhere when I've read the Bible. As we were leaving, I commented to Bobby that I wanted to know what version of the Bible she reads. He nodded, then said he'd heard things like that all his life growing up, and was surprised to find out it wasn't in the Bible.

I'm continuously amazed at how people make statements that "The Bible says..." when it really doesn't. Which tells me there are a lot of people who simply don't read it. From people becoming angels when they die to "God wants me to be happy"  I'm flabbergasted at the made-up theology people have. I wish I had said something, or invited her to our church, but I was just so shocked. And she was so sincere, which is even scarier. As my older sister told her high schoolers once, "You can be very sincere, but still be sincerely wrong."

a little warped

Yesterday our ladies met with the weekly Bible study, and the main focus was Judges 4 & 5, about Deborah.  I think I shocked the group when I said the whole "song" in chapter 4 sounded a lot like a political rally to me. My group was still shaking their heads and laughing about that as we left.

But I was serious.

Read it with Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin in mind, and tell me that's not a political rally.

it made me smile

The ladies in our church do a Bible/book study from time to time. Usually we read 2-3 chapters, or half a book, before meeting to discuss it. This time we're actually doing a Bible study called Life Principles from Women of the Bible. I took the book with me this past week thinking I'd have time to do a little while I was in Alabama for Mom's heart procedure. Mom saw it on the table, and wanted to know all about it. The next morning when I came out to make breakfast, she was working through lesson one. She had also read the introduction of the authors, and made a comment of how strange it was that all three were men. At one point she flipped through the book and saw a quote I had written in the back from our teacher. Last night as I was working on a lesson, I felt a sheet of paper that I didn't remember being in there:

It made me laugh. And I thought it was neat that Mom was leaving Bible verses for me. I'm almost tempted to purchase her a copy so she can work through it as well.

from the mouth of babes

The classroom where I sometimes teach on Sunday mornings is a multi-purpose room. Which means more often than not, even if I set up for the next week's class after church, I'll have to do it again the next Sunday morning before church starts. Since we know how that is and I'm thankful our church actually uses it's facility, I'm okay with that. There's a small group of kids who always come into the classroom on Sunday morning during my prep time who want to help. Sometimes you can tell by the look on their faces that they really don't want to help but are just being polite. Their bodies relax and they break into a smile if I say "No, I think I got it today, but I greatly appreciate you offering." And then there's the tiniest two of that group, who a few years ago were too small to stack/move chairs, but would do their best to do so if the others were. Sometimes if I don't have a job for them, they'll stick and around chat.

Those chats are usually normal kid chats. Things that make me smile, and remind me of how big and important small details are/were when I was young. One of the questions I get asked by almost every 3-5 year old is "What do the big kids do in class?" (We teach 4th-6th graders.) They're always intrigued, and almost always dismayed (some more than others) to find out the big kids almost never have snack time.

But two weeks ago, after the normal chat about pets and classes and holidays and family, this tiny child stopped at the door and whispered something. I had to ask her to repeat it three times. Finally, I went to squat in front of her and ask her to say it one more time, as she was barely whispering.

"Mrs. Monica, what will you do this week to be a good Samaritan?"

And I was totally stumped.

I guess she thought I still didn't understand, for she repeated it again. The only thing that popped into my head was "Well, I guess if my neighbor needed me to look after her dogs, I would." (And from a minimal dog lover, that's a big offer.) It satisfied her, but not me.

That question has haunted me the last two weeks.  I thought about it two days later when a person who irritates me greatly called and talked and talked. And as I inwardly prayed, "Lord, please don't let her ask me to.....today" I could hear that soft, high-pitched voice asking her question.

As we were out running errands in the sprinkling rain and passed a young couple on foot, with an infant, I heard her voice again. And we turned around, even though a little pushed for time, and prepared to offer them a ride. (Another vehicle in front of us did the same, and they declined and said they were almost home.)

And Saturday as I was letting the chickens out, a construction worker from next door brought his daughter over to see our chickens. My chicks aren't pets, and they don't like for people to come near them. Her chickens are/were pets, so she totally didn't understand that. I was busy, but I couldn't help but think about how our time is ordained and arranged. Not acting impatient and taking time for people...isn't that what a good Samaritan would do?

My prayer this week is that I won't be the Levite who is too busy for others, but that I will be the good Samaritan who is willing to go out of the way for others. People at church sometimes introduce me and say "She teaches one of the kids' classes" but the reality is, our kids more often than not teach me.

Awe

In the midst of life's insanity that we're calling 2016, the ladies at church are reading a book titled Awe. Even though I've not been able to attend any of the meetings nor have I kept pace with the group, the content of this book has been SO timely. What could be a better time to be reminded to focus on having the proper awe of my creator than in times of upheaval? When my plan A, plan B, plan C mind desperately craves to organize just one aspect of my life and all it gets is "maybe, maybe not", what better time to have my focus sharpened on the One who is sovereign and truly has things organized and in control?

Between all the uncertainties and questions with Bobby's health, my Mom's deteriorating health, a very crazy election cycle (but thankfully calm classes so far), and just trying to juggle everything in life, I've been reminded how much that I am NOT in control of my life, no matter how badly I want to be.



I'll wait until I've finished the book to give a review, but I don't think I've ever been as thankful and appreciative for a non-Bible study Christian book as I am for this one.

Annette Carroll

Today we attended the funeral of one of the kindest people I've ever known. She had no problem telling you how she felt about something, but she was always gracious when she did. And if she later thought she was wrong, she apologized. My heart hurts for her children, who have now lost both parents, and even more for her grandchildren, who she loved dearly.

And I found the words to the song sang at her funeral so very fitting, and so descriptive of her:

Unfailing Love by Bethany Live and Jonathan Stockstill

I see You hanging there, I see Your nail pierced hands
For me, You paid the price for me
I see Your wounded side, I hear Your lonely cries
For me, You paid the price for me

It was unfailing love
Grace by Your blood
Come and pour over me 'til all I see
Is Your unfailing love

I see the crown of thorns, I hear them laugh and scorn
For me, You paid the price for me
I see Your Father's eyes turn from His bleeding Son
For me, You paid the price for me.

As one of the church members said, "She is someone who will be missed. Greatly." I'm so thankful her suffering is over, but her absence will truly be felt for a very long time. I couldn't help but reflect how no matter what people reminisced about, her love for her kids, her keeping the nursery during choir practice, and running the nursery for many years at church, teaching Sunday school, whatever they mentioned, they always returned to her joy or her kindness.

And that's my personal prayer for me tonight: that I will have keep my focus on the cross of Christ so much that my life will radically change, and people will continuously mention the characteristics of Christ instead of me when I'm gone. I honestly can't think of a better testimony.

new to me

Things get lost in translation, no matter how wonderful or educated the translators may be. There's just some things that don't translate culturally.

For example, the Christmas story in Luke 2. Growing up, I always assumed Christ was born in a barn/stable. I don't know that I was taught that, but it's what Christmas cards and flannelgraph from Sunday School taught. (Yes, I know I just dated myself with that last sentence. Church kids today have NO idea what flannelgraph is.) When I was in college, I was surprised to hear a chapel speaker talk about the manger, and that in Israel animals were kept in one of two places: in a lean-to under or behind the house or in a cave. That was mind-boggling to me. It made perfect sense, but it was just so out of sync with everything I had ever thought.

A few days ago we received a newsletter that included an article from Jimmy De Young, (an prophecy teacher who lives in Israel and speaks a lot in America). I had to read it several times for it to make sense, and even then had to show  it to Bobby to make sure I was totally grasping what he was saying. I can sometimes be a little slow that way. :) You can find the article here. I'm not big on prophecy stuff, but this made sense to me. I've often wondered what kind of sign it was for a baby to be wrapped in a feed trough. I can't imagine it was all that common, although it would make it an easier identification of the baby. But signs usually mean something. I don't know of the accuracy of De Young's information, but it makes perfect sense and also helps one understand how God was proclaiming his Messiah from the very beginning.

So I'm rejoicing and pondering this information as I celebrate this month: our Messiah has come.

stillness

Sometimes there are just no words.

A girl from high school died Saturday morning. Her family says goodbye today. She leaves behind a daughter who started middle school last week.

Bobby's wheelchair broke -on the weekend when repair shops are closed. And we relearn how dependent we are on that one piece of equipment.

A young friend is back in the hospital. Her 11 year old body has seen more pain and heartache than most adults will experience in several lifetimes put together.

And there's the ongoing health stuff that we seldom talk about - ordinary people would be calling 911; the quad community shrugs or nods and says "that goes with the territory". And I'm in the middle wondering where the path is.

So sometimes I have no words. I don't know what is the best or right thing to say, what I even need to ask God for. So many times I find the words "Lord, you know" coming to my mind.

And that's enough.

kindness

Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32 (KJV)

I think that was one of the first verses I learned as a child. It was one I heard often anyway. Coming from Mom it was usually shortened to "Be kind."  And the crazy thing, I find as an adult it's one of those passages that is so simple but so hard to live out.

That person who always rubs me the wrong way?  Kindness and tenderness would look at their crazy work schedule, their health issues, the family stuff they're facing. Kindness and tenderness wouldn't focus on me and my thoughts about them, but that person and their needs. Kindness and tenderness would listen and not paste on the fake smile.

Forgiving...on behalf of someone else and when it's not deserved. Forgiveness is one thing. It can be a struggle even when someone apologizes and asks for it.  But that's not a condition here.  This forgiveness is extended even when the person isn't seeking it. We certainly didn't do anything to earn Christ's forgiveness, but He still offered it even when we weren't looking for it. And it's because of what Christ did that God forgives us. So when a person says something mean or lets us down or intentionally hurts...we forgive...because we've been on the receiving end of forgiveness.

I find it interesting that this verse comes AFTER verses about our speech and the attitudes that cause our speech. No "corrupt communication", only things that encourage and build others up. Get rid of bitterness and anger and hatred and resentment and bad mouthing others...and then, on top of that, be kind and tender toward others.

My high school Sunday school teacher used to say the older he got the more he realized just how much of a sinner he was. I thought that was the craziest thing I had ever heard. But now? I get it. I so totally get it. The more I live my life, the more I realize how corrupt my thought process and speech can truly be.

And I think that kindness, like health stuff, must be practiced on a regular basis to truly be effective. I can't walk once a month and expect to lose weight or be fit. I can't practice kindness only when it's convenient and then expect it to automatically happen on a tough day.

So that's some of the many stuff that's been rumbling around in my head the last few weeks. Hopefully I'll have time to update on other things tomorrow.

fighting the selfish battle...and its wounds

Selfishness is one of those sins I think everyone struggles with greatly, though we seldom recognize it. The last few years, I've noticed it more. Sometimes the battle is H A R D and other times, not so much (and that very well could be because I'm ignorant of it).

I am very selfish with my time. I am very blessed in that I do not have to work outside the home. Before we were married, Bobby and I looked at all our options, and decided that for us and our situation, it would be best if I were his caregiver. And for this season of our lives, that is still the case. The first year of our marriage, against his advice but with his blessing, I worked part-time, about 30 hours a week. And it was rough. When my contract ended at the end of the school year, I didn't renew it.  Five years later I went back to school as a student, and then resumed working part-time again. It started out as 20 hours, which was manageable, then increased to 25. I found myself frustrated and out of whack, and when hints and suggestions for 30 hours or full-time started being made, I had absolute peace about being a stay-at-home wife. Thankfully most people are understanding, though there have been some the last few years that seem to think because I don't have children and don't work, that I have absolutely nothing to do and are free for their every beckon and call. They don't see the 3-6 hours a day that caregiving requires, or the responsibilities I volunteer for. I find my patience for these people very shallow, even when their requests are legitimate. I ponder that a friend can call during one of my busier weeks with a need and I'll bend over double to help them and love every minute of it, but one of these few people can call when my schedule is somewhat empty, and I cringe at helping them, even resent the time. That's not love; that's not kindness; that's not Christlike. I've been working on my attitude with these people and situations. Some days, I manage things a little better. Others, I lose that battle with almost no fight.

This weekend brings about another fight in the same area, but with a much different angle. If you're an adult and childless, I don't have to tell you that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days on the calender. It would be one thing if I were at church with my Mom and honoring her, but to sit in an auditorium when every other adult female is standing and listen to everyone raving about what their kids did for them that morning is hard. The reality is, no matter how hard it is for me, those women are my friends, and they deserve it. Yes, it hurts immensely that like Hannah, I'm forgotten. Yes, it drives me crazy that the sermon that morning is almost always about motherhood (and even crazier when they talk about barren Hannah...who had a child!!!! How's that for pouring salt in a wound?) But it doesn't change the fact that every day of every year my friends sacrifice their time, energy, desires, money, and sleep for miniature people. It doesn't change the fact that they are taking their responsibilities to teach these little people right from wrong very seriously. I watch them on Sunday mornings as I can focus on the music and the words overhead but they keep one eye on a wriggling body beside them. I see their faces flush as a little body goes into full panic mode as the offering plate comes near and that child is slinging everything on the pew everywhere in desperation to find their money, and they seem to delight in dropping the coins as loudly as they can. And the parents are horrified. There are so many Sundays I see their exhaustion, and I want to hug them and shake them and say "It's okay! Everyone else is laughing. You're doing a good job. I love your child's generosity, their seriousness about giving, their willingness to share their offering with the child in front and behind them who forgot theirs, even when you only want them to sit still in their seat. And when your child wants to move from one row to the next to be next to you, I think that's an incredible testament that they feel safe and secure beside you, that they love you." But I don't. So why should I not for one Sunday a year gladly smile and edify my sisters who struggle every single Sunday? The selfish part of me wants to argue that they get their rewards with nightly hugs and group activities with other Moms and kids, with family portraits, and such, but the reality is there are times when those Moms would like a day to read a book or go shopping without hearing "Mom!" every three minutes. I go to church because I love Jesus. I go to church because I need interaction with other believers. To stay at home because I hurt and ache so badly inside on a day when my friends are honored for their sacrifices...that's selfishness. No matter how bad the ache or how hard the hour, my mother and my friends who are moms do deserve the recognition they receive. What type of soldier runs from an awards ceremony because his friends are being pinned and she's not? We've all heard the saying "the world doesn't revolve around you", but yet, there are days when we seem to act or think like it does. For me, Mother's day fits into that category.

So as I see the Facebook posts piling up from barren and single friends about their dread for this Sunday, I wrestle. Like so many, I long to surrender to selfish desires and stay home, to avoid the well-meaning but ignorant people wishing me "Happy Mother's Day 'cause you're so like a Mom", but I can't. I need to celebrate my Mother and friends for the job they do, to let them know that I'm in their corner praying and cheering them on, that I applaud them for being so dedicated to the task God has blessed them with. Overcoming sinful desires, even when they seem reasonable, is hard. But I serve the Great Physician who promises to heal my hurts. With that promise, can I not set aside my personal desires to celebrate and show joy for friends and sisters in Christ who have a reason to celebrate?

so thankful

First, the quilt page has been updated (I posted the final, quilted version of my third quilt of valour).

This last week I read the book Growing Up bin Laden by Osama bin Laden's first wife and fourth son. It was heart-wrenching, sad, and enlightening, all at the same time.  But so far, every book I've ever read about the middle east that involve women in the book, except one, have left me feeling overwhelmed and a little flabbergasted that God chose me to be born to American parents.

I do not consider myself a feminist, though the older I get the more I see many Christian males as male chauvinists. For example, a Christian group I know recently posted that they need assistance moving things. They specifically requested men to come move furniture and dismantle desk units, and for women to come pack up the office supplies. I do understand that most women do not enjoy lifting heavy objects and that men are typically stronger. But it also made me laugh. a little.  My roommate and I actually took one of those desk units apart and put it back together (Okay...I took it apart and she helped me put it back together and then cleaned up the mess I made on her side of the room...and never complained). I know women who move furniture and paint their own houses while their husbands are away on business trips or at work, women who till their own gardens (GO, go, GO! Barbara Ann (she has a pink tractor) and Charlotte (who used a small hand tiller), women who repair the washing machine and refrigerator and toilet because there's no money to call the plumber and hubby is working his tail off at work (thank you YouTube!), and women who build their own stone steps and patios and driveways. I also know men who want to help out but have injured backs or severe health issues that limit their movement, but gladly will sort paperwork or make phone calls. When we (and I use the church/Christian groups here as an example because those are the groups I work with the most) limit certain activities to male/female roles, we alienate potential workers...for no reason. I understand there are very clear God-given roles for men and women in the Bible...but these things do not fall in those categories.

Yet every time I read a book about women in the middle east, I am SO thankful to have grown up in a country with parents who encouraged me to use my mind, who allowed me to work and learn to drive, who saw me as more than "just a girl".  I am thankful for their Biblical teachings: that God made me and loved me, that I am not incomplete because I am a female, and that God clearly teaches every thing we do should be for His glory and honor - not mine. That, when the apostle Paul wrote Timothy to "study to show yourself approved as a workman to God", it's a good principle for every believer, and not just males who are becoming preachers.

There's a lot to be said for respecting your husband and being a keeper of the home, but I would never want to see that taken to the extreme where a wife can never question her husband or leave the home without his permission or an escort. I cannot imagine my only duties in life to be that of cooking food, cleaning house, and reproducing. I am so thankful that God gave me a godly example in my father, who has never seen it as a threat to his manhood to lovingly help around the house. As he used to inform us if we ever asked for an allowance for doing our chores "You live here. You're a part of the team. You don't get paid for teamwork."

But I was also reminded of why we should reach out to the downtrodden and those on the fringes of society...they're the ones desperate for acceptance and meaning to their life.

For me, reading about another culture and from a different viewpoint is a great reminder of why I believe as I do, and how important it is to truly listen and understand where a person is coming from before we make snap judgments about who they are and what they will do. Things are not always as they seem.

life lessons

Every time I see the insanity happening in Baltimore, I think of two things: one, lessons my parents taught me. Two, I wish I could buy one way tickets to North Korea, China, Russia, Ivory Coast, Singapore, and Vietnam for every single one of those protesters.  Pull a stunt like throwing bricks or trash cans or moltov cocktails at police in China? That won't be a nerf bullet they shoot in your direction. Damage someone's property or loot a store in Ivory Coast? You better pray the police get their fast. Sometimes the police take their sweet time and sit back and watch, only intervening right before the owners beat the vandal or thief to the point of death. The whole scenario in Baltimore both disgusts me and breaks my heart.

But it also makes me appreciate my parents. Had these kids been taught the following simple lessons and seen it modeled out growing up, there's no way they'd be participating in such selfish vandalism and greedy and self-serving acts of anarchy.

• Respect authority.
• Treat others the way you want to be treated.
• Rights are earned, not granted. 
• Your freedoms end where another's nose begins.
• Don't covet.
• Don't steal.
• Help those in need.
• Do what's right, no matter what anyone around you is doing.
• Be honest.

No faith is perfect. Growing up in the church and in a pastor's home, I know that way too well. But I also know that people of no faith have no guidelines to govern their lives. All but one of those above life lessons are from my Christian faith. The older I become, the more certain I am that people who have no guidelines other than "It's all about me" will continue to act and react in these ways.  This type of violence and destruction will only get worse as America becomes more of a secular society. When police and other authority figures do dishonest and dishonorable things, everyone suffers. When people have not been taught the difference between right and wrong, innocents suffer. Calling the national guard may be bring temporary stability, but it won't heal the moral decay of our nation. 

Do ya love me?

This past weekend a young mother-to-be from a small town in Wake County was shot to death behind the Party City where she worked. Her boyfriend has now been arrested and charged with her murder. So far the baby is surviving.

The day after the arrest, the media interviewed several of her friends from high school (her family is not talking to the media). They talked about her singing in praise band and how much she loved Jesus. So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "What changed?" The news article in the paper the next day described her as being "very active" in her church and that she was planning to move in with her boyfriend soon. And that little voice in my head is saying "It's not a Bible-believing church."

Today, in her obituary in the paper, it listed the name of the church and that she had a "passionate love for Jesus".  And the church she attends? It is Bible-believing. Which leaves me asking "How? Why?"

There's some very simple commands and statements made by Jesus Christ:

If you love me, keep my commandments. ~ John 14:15

By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. ~ John 13:35

He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him...If anyone loves me, he will keep My word...He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me. ~ John 14:21, 23, 24

and some other descriptions about God's love and us:

For the LORD is righteous, He loves righteousness; the upright will behold His face. ~ Psalm 11:7

The way of the wicked is an abomination to the LORD, but He loves one who pursues righteousness. ~ Proverbs 15:9

I am totally baffled how anyone, even someone whose heart has been ripped in pain with such a tragedy, can make such warped statements as "she passionately loved Jesus" when her life's fruit showed the exact opposite. Love Jesus? Okay, I'll just disobey his commands and commit adultery. Love Jesus? Sure, instead of "going and sinning no more" I'll not only commit the sin of adultery but plan to live the life of a wanton woman. I love Jesus so much that even though he commanded his followers to obey his commands (which included the law His Father gave), I'll not only NOT obey his commands, I'll brag to everyone about my disobedient lifestyle.

My heart is breaking for our country if churches who proclaim the saving grace of Jesus Christ and his power to transform lives allow its members to live the exact opposite. I'm reminded of King Josiah (in 2 Kings 22) who was given the "forgotten" book of the law, and when he read it, responded: ...for great is the wrath of the LORD that burns against us, because our fathers have not listened to the words of this book, to do according all that is written concerning us."  It is as if we have forgotten God's commands and that they apply to our lives, that if we truly love Him, we'll obey his commands.

My heart hurts for this family. Death is hard. An unexpected, tragedy such as this is even harder. But to turn a blind eye to God's commands and believe a lie, that's to face the wrath of God.

May He have mercy on the American church.